In the Halls of Congress, the Chairman of the independent bi-sexual P.M.S. (“Pussy Mischief & Shenanigans”) Commission, George Flatbush (coincidental surname or future plot twist? Stay tuned!), boldly declares the Bionic T.W.A.T. a weapon of mass destruction.
“The Bionic T.W.A.T. has become far too powerful and autonomous for us to control. Ms. Flatbush has valiantly served her country, helping our brave men and women fight this endless war against terror, and she will be duly honored for her many triumphs and sacrifices. But these very same terrorists covet her power, wish to possess her, and will stop at nothing to get their hands on her C.L.I.T.T. and the technology behind it. We simply cannot allow this to happen. Therefore, it is the determination of the PMS Commission, and hereby ordered, that the Bionic T.W.A.T. shall be disarmed immediately … or be destroyed.”
As Pamela breaks into tears, she is led out of Congress in shackles and taken to a holding cell as preparations are made to fly her to a secret military prison somewhere in Eastern Europe. The mysterious billionaire financier (yet to be revealed), who funded the development and implementation of the Cybernetic Labial Implant Three Thousand (C.L.I.T.T.), hugs Pamela in the hallway and covertly attaches a microscopic GPS tracking device on her before she is hauled away. The financier later arranges to forcefully take custody of Pamela and quickly retreats to the T.W.A.T. Cave, a secret underground installation hidden deep below a double-wide trailer in a non-descript, rural trailer park. It is here in the hi-tech labyrinth that Pamela meets her new renegade team of freedom fighters (the “T & A Team”?) who will help her continue to fight the war against terror while eluding the government officials hellbent on capturing or destroying her.
TEAM MEMBERS
FALLOPIA MAJORS –
Mechanic/Technician (yet to be cast, formerly written for Anna Nicole
Smith), who is, of course, also the elderly financier’s mistress
BILL FENCES - Computer Nerd/Brains
DEVON HASSLEHOFF - Foundation Administrator
CHLYDIA MAGNUM - Sidekick, Olympic Trampolinist and Occasional Plaything
And introducing MAXI, the wonder cat
Coup d'twat | Episode 2.0
Pamela faces a rebel insurgency in a foreign land.
When a Stranger Calls | Episode 3.0
In this episode, C.L.I.T.T. (Cybernetic Labial Implant Three Thousand) receives a crippling barrage of anonymous distress calls that Pamela is unable to decipher, act upon or stop. Frustrated, she finally has the calls traced. [Ominous voice on other side of the phone] "Pamela, the calls are coming from INSIDE your vagina!" The work of harmless teenage pranksters, or a sinister plot by an unknown enemy attempting to destroy her once and for all?
The Clitigator | Episode 4.0
When the Bionic T.W.A.T.'s factory-installed STD Surge Protector and Sperm-Retardant Sugarwalls fail to ward off a pesky intruder, Pamela is left with an unplanned, unwanted and potentially fatal pregnancy. Forced to perform a complicated and delicate back-alley uninstall procedure to abort the unauthorized P2P gene-sharing spyware growing inside her, the procedure goes horribly awry when the wire hanger accidentally short-circuits C.L.I.T.T.'s motherboard. When a hushed recall is later announced, Pamela files a product liability suit against the manufacturer seeking undisclosed punitive and pubic damages.
Special guest appearances: Larry Flynt as Judge Whopper and Hellga from TV's American Gladiators as The Clitigator. Inspired by real life NYC litigator Todd M.
The Beaver Queen of the Dammed: Plight of the Flat-Tailed, Buck-Toothed Pond Dwellers Episode 5.0
The Bionic T.W.A.T.'s latest and greatest arch nemesis: The Beaver Queen of the Dammed. Her goon squad: a ravenous, rabid posse of evil carnivorous/flesh-eating beavers. Or maybe some sort of mutant/undead race of half beaver/half platypus.
Their rich aquatic habitats long since devastated; their industrious, eco-sustaining existence forever transformed; even their once-coveted fur coats now rendered worthless and labeled "runway poison" by top fashion houses around the world; these nomadic mutant beavers have been ravaged by one ecological atrocity after another. Helplessly ensnared in the tragic aftermath of a morally bankrupt society's reckless overindulgence and criminal environmental neglect, these once-docile aquatic rodents have been victimized and condemned to dwell for all eternity in the toxic sewers, swamps and abandoned meth labs that have become their last refuge.
Ruled by the Beaver Queen of the Dammed (played by the legendary Pam Grier), these enslaved mammalian mercenaries wreak havoc on mankind with a vengeance and voracity never before witnessed in this ordinarily docile species. Obediently serving their sadistic master in her relentless quest for world domination, the ravenous rodent scavengers also pursue a quest of their own: to quench their insatiable thirst for human flesh. The Beaver Queen of the Dammed and her barbaric brotherhood of bloodthirsty beavers prove to be among the most formidable adversaries Pamela Flatbush and the Bionic T.W.A.T. will ever encounter.
The Vaginator| Episode 6.0 (Shamelessly inspired by The Terminator)
In the Year of Darkness, 2069, the rulers of this planet devised the ultimate plan. They would reshape the Future by changing the Past. The plan required something that felt no pity. No pain. No pleasure. No fear. Something unstoppable. They created 'THE VAGINATOR.’ The thing that won't die, in the nightmare that won't end. The future is between her legs.
Plot Synopsis: A human-looking and seemingly indestructible cyborg is sent from the future to kill Pamela Flatbush. The Bionic T.W.A.T. must travel back in time to stop it. Or risk having never existed at all.
Invasion of the T.W.A.T. Snatchers| Episode 7.0
Essentially a mash-up of both “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and “Alien.” Guest starring Sigourney Beaver.
SpongeTwat SquareSnatch | Episode 8.0
An insidious danger threatens sexually active women everywhere when a tainted supply of novelty female contraceptive sponges bearing the lovable cartoon character’s image ends up on the shelves at pharmacies around the world. Pamela must act fast to stop this potentially catastrophic “moral cleansing” while tracking down and stopping the deranged right-wing religious fanatics who claim to have launched their sinister plot in God’s name to punish and then rid the world of such “depraved jezebels.”
Lost Vaginas: Bionic T.W.A.T. Does Las Vegas | Episode 9.0
Pamela uncovers yet another terrorist plot, this one the latest in a series of nightly attempts by Celine Dion to destroy Sin City. Directed by Joe Esterhaus (who needs the work), Pamela is played in this episode by special guest star Elizabeth Berkley (who also really needs the work), and goes undercover as a naïve but whorish showgirl who will stop at nothing to bare her breasts.
Following an illogical but strangely rousing duet with Charo, Pamela is seduced by handsome actor Josh Duhamel, which inevitably leads to an all-out orgy with the entire cast and crew of TV's "Las Vegas.” (To air during Sweeps Week, naturally.)
Meanwhile, C.L.I.T.T. has trouble adjusting to the sandy, dry desert conditions, and eventually decides to go offline rather than grapple with a debilitating video poker addiction that threatens to spiral out of control.
In the episode’s climactic finale, Pamela stops Celine Dion and has her arrested onstage in the middle of her show for crimes against music, then deported back to Canada where she’ll serve her sentence in a soundproof cell. After downloading the new Betty Ford XP security patch, C.L.I.T.T. beats its gambling addiction and finds G.O.D.
Déjà vu | Episode 10.0
In this special two-part episode, Pamela reunites with an old friend, former Olympic bodybuilding hopeful Inga Pussé, of the Romanian Pussé’s, whose sporting career ended abruptly when she was caught juicing on everything but steroids.
Now Inga runs her own private security firm, V.I.P. (Vigilance by Inga Pussé) and needs Pamela’s help protecting her star client, world championship surfer C.J. Parker. Inga believes C.J.’s career (and possibly his life) is in jeopardy following a series of coincidental “accidents,” and now fears that somebody may be plotting to sabotage his upcoming major competition in Hawaii.
During her investigation, Pamela discovers that Inga’s business partner and lesbian lover, Penelope Clitstop, is involved in the plot to destroy C.J.’s career. Inga is devastated, but finds strength in revenge as she foils the plan and puts Penelope behind bars.
Meanwhile, C.L.I.T.T. continues its tireless work on the campaign to promote awareness of RLS, or Restless Labia Syndrome.
* Bonus V.I.P. and Baywatch series tie-ins (including famous red swimsuit); use of bionic dolphin (see attached).
* Special Guest Stars: David Hasselhoffas Mitch Knight Grace Jonesas Inga Pussé Sharon Stoneas Penelope Clitstop
Free-Range Junkies | Episode 11.0
Pamela infiltrates a celebrity-laden Malibu rehab facility to help comfort recovering young starlets while offering protection from the ravenous paparazzi. Special guest stars Lindsey Lowhand, Britney Javelins and Berlin Marriott.
Heil Clitler or SuperMax: Heavy Flow | Episode 12.0
In her ongoing quest to unlock the many mysteries of her sordid past, Pamela learns that the only person who might be able to provide the answers she seeks is currently serving time behind bars following a felony conviction related to the [insert favorite Bush administration scandal here]. Given the highly sensitive nature and black market value of this information, Pamela knows she can only retrieve these answers in person. In order to do that, she must go undercover to penetrate the world’s highest security prison complex, SuperMax.
Meet Inmate # 38-24-36 DD, the U.S. taxpayers’ latest burden and newest correctional facility resident, assigned to Cell Block V, Sector A, Bed G.
As part of her pre-incarceration reconnaissance, Pamela recruits busty B-movie queen Dyanne Thorne, who is best known for her starring role in the infamous 70s cult film franchise that spawned such titles as “Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS” and “Ilsa: The Wicked Warden.” Thorne’s insight into the shady underworld of federal penitentiaries run by corrupt, deranged, tyrannical rulers (aka concentration camps) culled from her years of playing such notable characters as “the insatiable Nazi commandant whose sexual appetites are matched only by her lust for brutality” will no doubt prove invaluable.
But as Pamela soon finds out, getting inside SuperMax was the easy part. Getting out will be quite another story. And if the ladies of the prison’s notorious Carpet Munching Auxiliary have their way, the only happy ending she’ll be seeing will come forcefully induced by the business end of a rabbit-modified, turbo-charged vibrating nightstick.
Meanwhile, Pamela also faces resistance to her plan from C.L.I.T.T., who fears that any association with such a prominent figure in the exploitative/misogynistic oeuvre of “women in prison” movies could jeopardize its lobbying efforts on behalf of various women’s advocacy groups and survivors of sadistic medical experiments conducted by Nazi Germany’s Third Reich during World War II (the latter being the subject of the aforementioned “She Wolf of the SS” film).
Additional episodes to be added regularly, so please check back soon for more exciting adventures!
